Looking Back

I’ve been feeling really… nostalgic lately.

No,not even nostalgic… because nostalgia means being happy about the things you’re remembering. It’s just… missing life as it used to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. I’m happy with where I am, I don’t think there are many places or situations that I would be happier at this moment. I have loving friends, family and a job that is getting me to where (I think) I want to be. My moods have improved so much over the last 12 months, my motivation for certain things has improved and I’ve made some great achievements. I’m exactly where I should be. And that’s great, really.

It’s just that in 2016 I made a very fast and sudden transition from teen life to adult life. One minute I was finishing my A Levels, sharing memes about Brexit, the next I had this huge summer in front of me and no direction, nothing to do at the end of it, with just a part-time job in Primark to keep me going. Then, in the space of a few weeks I’d started work. Full-time.

With that, driving, trying to save money and be a healthier and better person, I miss being a real teenager. By not going to University (while this may be the best choice for me), I feel like I’m missing out on those last few care-free years of procrastinating my studies, going out on week nights, staying up until 4am and skipping a 9am lesson and just messing about.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks, which is weird for me. (Alternatively, this could also be a sign of recovering from depression, which I’ve recently found out is probably what caused my memory to be extremely fuzzy in these past few years). Not like bad flashbacks, though.

It’s things like the last days at secondary school, going to my year 11 prom and the summer holiday after. Starting college and making new friends and all the times I spent with those friends, bunking off lessons and generally being prats just sat outside on the grass all day. Playing Just Dance in the college cafe because we were the coolest and obviously everyone wanted to be us.

And I’m watching all my old school friends and people from college at their daily lives at uni and, while they might complain about the work load and the money situations, etc. etc… It makes me sort of jealous. Because they still have time to mess around, and if they mess up, it only affects them.

I’ve always had a sort of jealousy problem, not to the point of being malicious, but just a sort of ongoing envy for those I think have it better, even if they don’t (which I now know).

It also doesn’t help that I’m starting to miss old friends that I haven’t spoken to in a long time, and probably will never have the chance to patch things up with. Seeing them play out their lives over Facebook and Snapchat and seeing them do well makes me wish I was there to congratulate them still.

I know how lucky I am, how good I have it and that my future could hold anything I want it to. If I wanted, I could go to uni and get those years back. I could even go back to college or school if I wanted. I could, really, do anything. And that’s great. I’m so glad to have these opportunities, and so grateful.

Sometimes though, you have to live in the past for a while to be able to see clearly ahead.

Excuse the word vomit. Thanks for listening,

Jess