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Hitting the Wall

I’ve spent most of this morning (it’s currently just gone midday) in bed, either on my phone, or stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the outside world by pulling the covers over my head and pretending that nothing else exists. And a large portion of my mind is still screaming at me to do that.

I seem to have hit a bit of a bump.

As you can probably tell from my complete and utter lack of posts or contact of any kind (except for if you follow me on Twitter, I’m always on that bloody thing). For the past few weeks I have literally just… not. I said to myself I should refrain from this blog until I finished my last exams (which I did), and then as soon as that was over I’d get right back onto it.

I didn’t.

In the time I’ve spent trying to work myself up to posting something else on this little internet space of mine, many things have happened. Britain voted to leave the European Union; our Prime Minister David Cameron has carried out what I like to call a “fuck this shit, I’m out” on us, as has his not-so-eagerly-anticipated follow-on Boris Johnson; there has been another terrorist attack on a Turkish airport, resulting in over 40 devastating deaths; the aftermath of Brexit has resulted in the pound sterling dropping in value to a scary extent, and my cat had to go to the vets again. A lot has happened.

But throughout all that, at no point could I manage to motivate myself enough to just write one thing to go here. And I think there are a few contributing factors.

One, I finished college. I said I wasn’t going to write any more until I finished my exams, and I’ve finished them now. Exams went good, thanks for asking. But after that end of an era, where the past two years of my life have now officially come to a stop, I felt a bit lost. Technically, I’m not really doing anything with my life now. For the first time in my life I’m not working towards a final academic goal. That’s it. For all intents and purposes I’m done with education.

Another reason is the weather. It’s been bloody awful. And I can never decide what makes me feel more unproductive, shitty rain or heat waves. Both have their drawbacks. But for the past few weeks here in Britain it’s been constant clouds, rain, and shit. Which makes everyone feel a bit mopey, myself included. Not that the Sun Pressure is any better. More on that at some point later probably.

As well as both of these reasons, recently I’ve just been feeling a bit inadequate. You know when you have those periods of just “I’m not good enough”? I see other people walking around, or I read other people’s work, especially those of my own age, and see what everyone else is doing, and I feel so left out and behind. Like they’re all doing cool stuff and looking great and I’m just here… not doing anything.

But that’s exactly why I need to start making myself do things. Stop moping and start improving. Instead of sitting here watching other people (not in a creepy way though) and feeling jealous, actually do things so that I can be like them. And as silly as it sounds, because this is really not the best piece of writing I’ve ever shared and it really did not have any plan or point whatsoever, this step was really difficult. Sitting up, loading up the laptop and whacking out this thing that doesn’t make much sense and is probably not worth posting at all, was the hardest part. And it’s done now.

So… see you soon, I guess. At least, sooner than last time. Hopefully with something a bit more substantial and interesting. But then again, this is me.

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