I do not feel real.
What a ridiculous thing to say, I know. But I can’t escape the feeling that something is definitely, definitely wrong.
I feel spaced out. I feel dissociative. I feel wrong.
I’m not sure what to go about calling it, just all I know is that I feel like my hands aren’t my hands. What I’m seeing isn’t directly in front of me, but covered with a sheet of glass. I’m hearing people speak to me as if through water, sloppy and incoherent. Some minutes and hours and days are better than others, but it’s there. The feeling that my mind is separating from reality. Not in a cool alternate-universe way, more like I’m falling further back into my mind.
Like my brain is some huge, awful chasm that I’m falling down, but like a few meters at a time. There’s blackness around the things right in front of me. I feel ache-y and tired all the time. My words are jumbled and it takes an age for my speech to go from my mind to my mouth.
And worst of all, I feel I’m slipping away from my emotions.
I know that I love the people around me. I know that. Of course I love them. My best friends and my parents and my boyfriend. Of course I should love them, I have no reason not to. And I do. But the love, while existent, seems to be slipping away from me. It’s the other side of the door. I know it’s there, I see it through the glass. It’s blurry, but there. But the door’s locked. I’m trapped inside. I can’t reach it. And when it’s given back to me by those I love the most, I can’t feel it.
Is this a symptom? Is this a phase? Is this some out of body experience I’m having while in a weird dream (probably not, as I got told somewhere that it’s impossible to read in a dream)? What is it? Am I crazy? Am I normal? Why can’t the glass break and where did I go? Am I just going through the motions of my normal life, while the real me is hidden behind this black curtain? Where did I go?
When will I come back?